No one likes to admit mistakes. Least of all me. I have been frozen in fear over the last few months denying that those mistakes were my downfall. Paralysed and defeated. Ashamed at how I could get myself in such a stupid situation?
I made some incredibly bad choices and I have no one to blame but myself. It has taken deep depression and me being on the brink of just walking away, for me to realise that it could be much worse.
That’s right me. Deep depression. Paralysing soul destroying depression.
It can hit anyone and for so long it felt like WEAKNESS. I was weak. One thing I can’t stand is feeling weak and out of control.
And for the last few months I had nothing in control. Everything was so far beyond my control that I couldn’t do anything about it. I could only take very small steps to overcome each obstacle that was put in front of me each day.
Most of those obstacles can’t be fixed or won’t be fixed for a long time. But I can’t do anything else about it right now.
That’s a hard lesson to be smacked in the face with. I pride myself in being able to support my family and my wider family and i found for months i could do neither.
I found myself falling through a deep, dark hole with no light. People who truly know me and are in my inner circle were my cheerleaders. I put on a brave face everywhere else and yes great things were happening but it felt anticlimactic in the bigger scheme of things.
Depression is something that can break you. But it isn’t the end of the world. As long as you take each hour as it comes and listen to your body and of course don’t give up.
Communication is the key and I know it is the one thing you don’t want to do. Talking about it can make those fears become real but keeping those thoughts to yourself can be more damaging.
I felt like a failure. I truly did. And I have fought so long and hard with myself about showing you the real me because I didn’t want you to think I was weak or broken. But to be honest with myself and you that is how I truly felt.
There will be days that all the above will be in the past but then moments when it will all come flooding back. One thing i have learnt is we all hide behind masks and we are too scared to reveal how we are really feeling and to be honest we need to man up and shout out “Hey, this sucks” because when you fall, you fall hard and you need those key people around you to tell you “It’s ok and that you can just be broken ” because it wont be forever. Take the time to heal, to breath, find those people who understand what you are going through and do a lot of soul searching.
It isn’t fun – but one thing i have learnt over the last little while is that with a great fall comes incredible learning – which sets you on a higher path.
One of my friends sent this to me and it is perfect to end this blog on –