Depression

Now that I have finally broke my silence I feel a renewed energy. I have battled with myself for so long these last few months wanting to be open about how I was feeling and what I was going through but was to afraid too.

I didn’t want to appear weak, broken, I wanted to continue as a Strong, independent person that is looked up too and inspires others in a positive way.

No one likes someone who is down and out. I just got to a point where I felt safe enough that I could just throw caution to the wind and just DO IT.

Be you and don’t worry who you put off. There is freedom in being honest. Im not perfect and I have never admitted I was. It was when I truly felt my life crumbling around me that, that inperfection was so encompassing.

One of the things I did was seek help when I knew things were getting a bit much. I went to the doctors who instantly put me on some “Happy Pills”   I wasn’t happy about the fact that I needed them but I was proud of myself for taking the right steps.

Only two weeks after taking them, things started to get worse. At first I thought they were helping but two weeks in I got a lot worse and just stopped everything. I basically went to bed.   Shut myself away and didn’t move from that spot for 6 weeks.

I convinced myself I was sick – I did have a flu for 2 weeks but after it passed I still didn’t get better. I had no emotion. I was flat and worse still, uncaring. I didn’t care about anything.

The most simplest of things I couldn’t complete.   It wasn’t until my husband pointed out he thought I was worse and thought maybe I should stop taking them.

After long discussions with him and a few friends I decided to stop.

After a few days of not taking them – feeling began to seep back in and I could then see how bad I was. Everything had become numb.

Depression is dangerous.   Looking back I could see how my whole world could crumble within a few short months. I could see how easy it would be to become homeless. Its such a fragile line we are on and we think of ourselves as indestructible and that was so me. Nothing can break me – I was on the top of my game killing it and in a very short time – Gone poof!

Admitting to yourself that you need to stop and look at your situation. The first thing I did was cut out those who were bad for me. Those people who drained you or exploited your kindness and loyalty – they are like dementors feeding on all the goodness you have. Each one I cut away the lighter I became.

Accessing myself constantly and those around me has become the norm. I have put myself into too many bad situations because I am trusting. Accepting my faults and acknowledging I am the reason I got there in the first place. Accepting that is a big step forward. Learning more about yourself. Truly looking within and seeing why you do what you do.

We are all flawed and that’s ok.

Getting the right support. Finding someone who can listen to you and help you navigate through your emotions and feelings. There is nothing wrong with finding a safe experienced sound board.

Being kind to yourself. Its ok to be broken, its ok to feel,  its ok to not have all the answers,  its ok to be weak…. its ok because you are not going to be in this spot forever,  know that you are going to get through it but just be in it and look at it, learn from it and slowly you will find you again.

Thank you for reading xx

I am not an expert – these are my own accounts of my own situation.