I haven’t done a personal blog post in months. Years of regularity and I have dropped the ball. The question is why.
I have been working hard for months – Let’s just say since my marriage broke up I have been in survival mode. My ex just walked out the door leaving me holding everything. A lesson, that men take after their fathers.
I have taken it on the chin – Admitted to myself that he did me a favour. I knew deep down he had stopped loving me a long time ago – because it showed in his day to day actions. But when I asked for a break and some counseling he packed up and left – within a week.
When you have given everything of yourself to another person to support them, nurture them and give them the emotional support they need it is incredibly soul destroying to have them walk out the door as if you were nothing.
I have been in survival mode my whole life. Which has turned me into becoming a strong high achiever, who doesn’t like to fail. But nothing destroys you as much as someone you love just leaving when you are showing signs of weakness. I stopped being strong, the cracks had formed and this was the time he needed to step up. Instead, he stepped out. Which meant I couldn’t be weak, I couldn’t falter because I became a single mum, with a teen going through incredible hurdles.
So over a year later when I have crawled my way out of debt and at the height of my career. The cracks have started to appear.
I have been suffering incredible depression these last few months and it has been foreign to me why this is. Why now when things are finally getting sorted. I have had incredible moments of anger towards my ex. Rage even. Disgust at his weakness when he should have shown strength. All mixed in with my incredible hurt that he walked.
I realised because I have been in survival mode for so long I haven’t grieved the marriage. I have been so focused on keeping food on the table.
So tonight we had a bomb fire and found everything I had of his and threw it into the fire. I wrote down lists of all his empty promises and how he had failed me. I screamed louder than I have ever screamed and cried harder than I ever had and with every burnt item and the smoke billowing to the east, I become lighter and lighter.
In those moments of screaming rage insults at the fire, I realised I hadn’t failed in the marriage. He had. And that’s his loss.
My mistakes in the last year were not letting the pain consume me. I pushed it deep down which has taken its toll on my body. These things need to be addressed no matter how soul destroying they are. I have a long way to go in healing my body but I’m on the right track and I have the right people around me to guide me.
When all is said and done I am incredibly humble in the fact that I have the most loving friends, who have advised me, guided me, who have humoured my tantrums and still stayed by my side. Who has shown up for me in so many ways, from all the hugs to the text messages that make me smile.
I am who I am. That means I have to accept that I have depression. It is here. Somedays it is all consuming while others it is a whisper on the wind.
This is me. Mother, daughter, sister, cousin, best friend, artist, photographer, business strategist, incredibly capable, adventurer, SURVIVOR, and depressive.
AND I wouldn’t want to be anyone else!!